A Book of Wisdom and Wise Things and Stuff, Yeah.

I had a genius idea today. It was sparked after I imparted some words of wisdom to young Daniel Ghali - "Dude, plums are way nicer than bread" - and it suddenly struck me that our world has become a place of foolishness and ignorance and that, as a wise and thoughtful person with the time and resources to help, I could make a difference. So I am going to write a Book of Wisdom to help my fellow mortals who, though equal with me in the sight of God, are severely lacking in the sight of Robin. The book shall be entitled "A Book of Wisdom and Wise Things and Stuff, Yeah" and I will begin by posting chapters spontaneously on here. For example now.

Chapter One: Why Not?
It has come to my attention that the world needs people like me - more importantly, the world needs me - to help reduce the severe problems of ignorance, foolishness and general stupidity around the place. So I thought I would gallantly respond to the world's cry by writing this Book of Wisdom, which contains many wise things, none of which should be laughed at or taken lightly.
I shall begin at the beginning which, from the point of view of a wise person (henceforth called a Sage), is the best place to begin.

It struck me that most of the world's problems could be solved with a few good excuses. Therefore, the first thing I will demonstrate is the art of constructing a good excuse; I will follow this up with some examples.

The Perfect Excuse is divided into three parts: What caused me to act in such a way, the consequences of said cause, and why the cause and consequences are relevant. The wording of this description is very technical, and probably far too complex for most common people to understand, so I will assist by providing a step-by-step example. Let us take the Absence excuse - Why is that person X was unable to attend event P? Person X first relates that Grandma Y was ill. This is the cause. Grandma Y's illness means that Person X must travel half way across the country to help attend to her, meaning that Person X misses event P - The Consequence. The relevance section basically explains why the consequences were allowed to happen instead of the alternative. So in this instance, Person X had to travel half-way across the country instead of attending event P because Grandma Y's illness is widely recognised as an important event that has priority over the (relatively) unimportant event P.

This can also be used in such circumstances as the "Theft" excuse, the "Adultery" excuse and even the "Murder" excuse. Just adapt it - but remember, keep to the rules.

Now, the real art of the excuse comes not from its creation, but from its execution. The excusee must be a talented liar. All humans are liars. The wise Robin Mitchell once said "Show me a man who claims claims to tell the truth, and I'll show you a filthy liar." This quote basically sums up the essence of humanity (that we are all paranoid), but it is clear that some liars are more talented than others. "The best way to lie is to be telling the truth" is one of my sayings, but failing that just be really arrogant and scorn the hell out of anyone who opposes you.

Of course, in the hustle and bustle of everyday life a good excuse can be hard to come up with. So here I have listed some good one-liners guarenteed to get you out of a hot-spot.

"I didn't do it."
"I wasn't even there."
"Well, I was just looking the other way when this guy came over and put it in my hands."
"I was just taking something out of her teeth with my tongue."
"We were just saying an intimate goodbye."
"This isn't my gun."
"This racoon just ran in off the road and did it."
"Look, an eagle."

In conclusion, excuses aren't too difficult to master (provided you have a teacher as good as me). However, "A few good excuse could solve a lot of the world's problems." So use 'em, and use 'em well.

Later that day...

Turned out to be a good day. Sam came 'round down ADH we hung out for a bit. Then I did some work at the Phelps' and avoided the horse-flies. Aha! Nearly lost my eye in a fight with a tree, but it wasn't too bad...
The swimming pool looked sooooooooo nice: I contemplated driving the tractor straight in just to cool down...
I'd love to write intelligent and witty things here but I am truly too tired. So I'm off to watch some Friends before bedding down for the night. I will leave you with some words of wisdom:


Society
Responsibility
Bananananananana
Love and peace... or else
Too many cooks spoil the broth
More hands make less work

Controversial? I thought so too.

I have a purple Barney the Dinosaur toothbrush

It's true, folks. Mother bought it for me yesterday - isn't she sweet?
I've been doing some creative writing, which may be very poor quality but is also great fun. Kings and deserts and warriors and civilisation... all good. Well, maybe not. I enjoyed it.
I may be recieving a visit from Mr Howlett today, and Mr Hughes will be joining the ranks at ADH! Hoorah! Life's going pretty smooth I guess, though nothing particularly interesting has happened. I still can't be bothered to do a Lennon VS Dylan argument...
Post 16 Experience Day tomorrow. Sounds great, doesn't it?
I'm just gonna freak put all the new people by being evangelistic at them, and wind up my friends by pretending I don't know them.
Can't wait.

Anyway, because my blog has been called "rubbish" and "boring" by people who, it must be said, would know (and even embody) the most accurate definition of those words, I have decided to jazz it up a bit with a song. A medley, in fact.

A heart that's full up like a landfill,
A job that slowly kills you, bruises that won't heal,
Suicide is painless - it it brings on many changes
And I can take or leave it as I please.
You are such a fool to worry like you do,
'coz tears are going nowhere, baby -
You've got to get yourself together,
You got stuck in a moment and now you can't get out of it.

All about the beautifully optimistic and totally positive subject of suicide.

Why Bob Dylan is better than John Lennon:

Well I could sum it up by saying that Dylan wrote Last Thoughts on Woody Guthrie, but John Lennon wrote I Am The Walrus.

I had a really good argument, but I can't be bothered right now. I'll save it. However, please use the comments function to discuss this if you wish.

On a different note, it really annoys me when people steal my stuff and don't put it back. Or put it back all messy.

The Morning After

Today... well, it's been okay. For starters, I broke the lie -in record! As you may have sussed by now I can sleep long into the day, but today I slept for aproximately three minutes longer than my previous record and awoke at twenty-seven minutes past nine this morning.
"My gosh!" I hear you exclaim (no blasphemy on this blog), "can it be true?" Rest assured folks, the champion does it again: another record in the bag along with least attractive 16-year-old in ADH (3 years running), smallest little fingers in devotion (out of twelve competitors) and fastest guitar player to inhabit the second bedroom on the first floor of ADH.
Anyway, on a more humble and interesting note I had a really relaxed late morning and afternoon - got some vocals done (poorly, actually - my voice was a little sore), ate a yummy roast and generally chilled out, kicked some ass, went for a walk, kicked some more ass... you know the drill.
In conclusion today was very important as I realised: sugared almonds aren't all they're cracked up to be. Pun intended.

Don't ask.

Why

Sometimes you have to learn things the hard way, don't you?

I feel insecure about posting this here, but will proceed to do so because a) it is possible that someone will understand me, b) maybe some people will learn from my mistakes and c) I need to get things out somehow. Anyway, only six people read this blog and one of them is me.

Today I split up with Ellen - my first ever girlfriend. I'd been considering it for a while - maybe over one month out of three - but I didn't want to upset her because I knew she liked me. So, instead of upsetting her by dumping her I just ignored her and was pretty rude in the hope that - well, I've got no idea. I just did because I felt attached to someone I didn't want to be attached to.
But when I finally sent her an email saying whatever, she was really upset and that made me realise a few things:
Firstly that relationships are far more important than I had previously realised. Because of insecurity and just general lack of deep relationship I had really wanted a girlfriend for a couple of years, though there was no-one I actually fancied. When I met Ellen I was really good friends with her and the idea of a relationship never entered my mind until a friend suggested that we were good together, which I suppose sparked off something.
When I was younger - maybe eleven years old - I fell in love. I know this is a bit of light comic relief, but it is also relevant. The girl I fell in love with was an old friend of mine, but whenever I thought about her or was with her I had this *feeling*. I never had that with Ellen - which shouldn't be a decider, I know, and the feelings come and go in a relationship, and so on, and etcetera, but anyway: I think I did make myself fancy her a little because of the want of a girlfriend. Having said that she is one of the loveliest people I know, and she is very beautiful, so I wouldn't be surprised if hundreds of young men fall for her in the future. I was first, guys ;-)
Anyway, I wanted to go out with her because she was lovely and either I was attracted to her or just convinced myself that I was. Either way, I spent lots of time with her and almost demanded of God that he give me a girlfriend, which was, in retrospect, probably one of the most ridiculous and absurd things I have ever done in my life.
Anyway, it seemed to work because I figured that Ellen liked me. To be fair to myself (just once, I promise) her friends did pressure me to ask her out as I was taking a long time. I wanted to be careful. But in the end we started going out, which was great - I was really excited and basically had a brilliant first month with her. However, I began to realise that I wasn't ready to commit to a long-term relationship with her, and that made me grow cold towards her. That's ridiculous thing #2, because she is a warm person and she never did anything bad to me.
Anyway, relationship history over: when she got the email she cried a lot. That made me realise - I had wanted a relationship for self-security and just for the sake of it. I mean, I wanted a girlfriend I could fall in love with, but I was happy to rush things and go for the best option at the time. But for Ellen being in a relationship was for more than that. If I get another opportunity, I'm gonna do lots of self-analysis before going out with anyone else: am I willing to give up things for them, take up things for them, invest in them and so on. Though I really liked Ellen, I wasn't ready to do that for her and didn't realise until too late. In conclusion, I treated the relationship too lightly and it was only when I realised her full reaction to its ending that I realised how important it was meant to be.
Secondly, I've learned about patience: patience not to rush into a relationship, and patience to stick it through when things get hard. I didn't think about the future when I started going out with Ellen, and the fact that I wasn't as eager to go out with *her* as I was to be in a relationship meant that I jumped straight in at the deep end. I was therefore unprepared to make an effort when I realised I had changed in my attitude to Ellen and our relationship.
Ellen was very understanding despite my lack of care for her, and I hope this self-analysis will help me in the future - I'm glad I've written it (kind of). I hope she wouldn't be offended if she read it; I think I've been 100% honest.
And we're still friends, as far as I'm aware. She's been the best female friend I've had since primary school (along with my dear sister, of course).
Oh man, I hope I don't have to delete this; it took me ages to write. I wonder what it will read like tomorrow?

Time will tell.

The First of Many

The first wedding of the summer today - many happy congratulations to Katherine and Damian (and Charlie). 'Twas a pleasant affair despite the large quantity of children-under-8-years-old. Slightly loud... a very tight worship band though - it sounded brilliant, particularly the Nigel Savage/John James areas.
More to come, I can't wait - free food. If you want to invite me to yours, send me an email. Excess food will be consumed at no extra cost.

Life Goes On

Cornwall was fun; highlights include a beautifully sunny day on Wednesday, lots of guitar, food, surf and tanning, dramatic thunderstorm at 1am this morning... and rain. Yep, it's *still* raining.

Wahoo, lots of songs added to my acoustic repetoire including:
Damien Rice: Cannonball, The Blower's Daughter
Jeff Buckley (or Leonard Cohen, whatever): Hallelujah
Incubus: Drive
Basically, these are good songs to play on an acoustic when you're with a group of people (especially when you want to impress the chicks).
All good.

And I wrote some songs. Lyrics = good, Music = desperately needs changing.
So, back to *work* ahahaha.
Ciao

IT IS FINISHED!

Deep breath. It's all over. I will now write the lowest grades I think it is possible I got in each subject, just to get my hopes up:

English: B
English Literature: B
Maths: C
Science (x2): B
French: D
R.E: B
I.C.T: B
History: B
Music: B

I'm not gonna write the highest possible grades...

In other news, I may be heading off to sunny Polzeath today. I was super-excited about our first band practice in three or four months when bam! Esther goes and ruins my plans by eloping to Paris with Ben Jacobs. Or going to do tap-dancing with him... whatever. Point is, we can't do band without a drummer, so I might as well go down to Cornwall while the weather's nice - which, for your information, will be until Friday. Then the exams will all be finished, and it will rain until early April 2009.
That's all from me.

PS Build an ark this summer; you're gonna need it later.

Gah

Fly bites are pretty nasty - a large swelling on my elbow, a smaller one on my knee and another one... sorry, bad joke I know. So I don't need to finish if off.
I'm pretty tired but after Tuesday I'm gonna feel so free I can barely wait. I bet I break my leg or something that afternoon...
Playing guitar at Woodies tonight - would be very excited (second evening service ever) were it not for one or two issues such as:
- My arm is a little painful from 'forementioned fly attack.
- My fragile ZOOM 707 has succumbed to its wounds, and the phono input does not input! Or rather, the lead needs to be carefully positioned or else it won't work. Grrrrrrrr. Confound you ZOOM, with your cheap plastic products (but rather sweet sounds).
- People are (possibly) under the impression that I'm a better guitarist than I actually am. This may be related to the fact that I tell them I could play Van Halen songs with the guitar behind my head at the age of two (some people are too gullible). I now fear that other older and better guitarists may hate me.
Just to clarify, I'm still pretty good sometimes, and I once played a song with the guitar behind my head whilst spinning around on one leg.

So what if the song was "The One Note Song?"

My arm aches. I'm dizzy. I need lunch.

Mmm, beef.

The Vendetta Against Flies

Before you get any funny ideas, I mean flies that fly in the air (a bit like birds, but smaller). Not the ones on your trousers (though there have been rare occasions invloving flies er... flying. Don't ask).
So anyway, I got stung/bitten/whatever by some evil fly today - therefore, if I see a spider I'll let it live, but if I see a fly then that fly is a dead fly. I mean it. By September 90% of all fly species will be GONE.

Yeah, damn right.

I hate flies. They made me scared.

...Later that day

Another exam-inspired poem, for *your* benefit:

Written on a Calculator:
Dead meat, cat food, balls, a pie! Deer, lamb, bears, a log, more pie.

Like it? More where it came from (any advanced mathematicians explain why you need the letters A,B,C,D,E,F and P on a calculator?)
Anyway, two songs down on the MRS4 already (Good Enough and Blade (demo) if you know my songs, which you won't). Sounding pretty okay, too. But Joey won't let me in my room, so I can't record any vocals right now...

Well, people to do, things to see. Just a thought to leave you with:

If there were only three things ever, what would they be?

Haircut

I am now sheared, like a sheep. Science was easy. 4Tracks should be learned before use. Guitar.
I'm hungry, laters girlfriend.

4TRACK 4TRACK 4TRACK

Uh-oh - more secret typings. Okay, here's how it looks: small, square and black. And now, a recount of my initial encounter with the ZOOM MRS4:

Robin: Hail, oh small black thing. You're smaller than I expected.
MRS4: ...
Robin: Ah yes, I can see you're very talkative. Well, you have my full attenti... ooh! A sheep! (runs off into distance chasing sheep)

Later, something very similar to this happened:

Robin: Oh mighty ZOOM MRS4, I command thee to switch thyself on... oh wait, there's the button.
MRS4: *lights up*
Robin: Pretty colours *beams* ...aah! A spider
MRS4: *falls to the floor with a clatter*
Robin: Uh-oh

It was all okay. The thing has exceeded my expectations and really is rather good for a ZOOM product. Touch wood. I've recorded guitar, bass and drums to song #1 already! Rocking. It's gonna be a long summer underground in that there basement...

PS No more maths. Ever.

Tradgedy

After spending 2hours 40minutes making the new GUYS GIRLS AND BEARS website instead of revising I have been banned from using the internet. For a whole two days! TWO DAYS!
My mother now hates my computer (better than her hating the guitar, I guess).
Anyway, this could mean that I don't post on anything or moderate anything for a WHOLE TWO DAYS! But be patient! My time will come. I might cunningly use my brother's computer, as I am doing now.
I am a mighty cunning chap. Like a fox.

Not visually, obviously. And I don't eat out of rubbish bins unless I'm really hungry - like now (uh-oh, neighbours coming with dogs and rifle). And my ears aren't that pointy.
Wooh. Stop typing man.

PS Maths down, Science and History to go. Easy!?

The clock! The clock!

Man, what is going on? It was wrong and then right and then wrong. Hopefully 'tis now right again.


Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.



Yes, I'm still talking about the clock. Deep stuff, y'know.

The Long Day Is Over

At last, eh?
Some thoughts:
1) I spent lots of time updating www.freewebs.com/guys_girls_bears <<< instead of revising, so go there. It's pretty.
2) My mother hates me and my computer. At least she's distracted from hating the guitars...
3) The beater on the drum pedal today flew off when I was playing (it was held by elastic band). I wonder where it went!
4) I really did spend a lot of time on the site, partly because it took me ages to notice a ridiculously simple mistake.
5) Nice lyrics made up today though :-)
6) Is it possible to set fire to an ice cream? If not, someone should make flammable ice cream.

PS - R.E. in the bag. Hoorah!

Damn my eyes, all these years 't has been an hour slow. But no more!

More Words of Wisdom

The Milk is Smooth and Crazy


Oh, anything but revision. 'Tis not so bad today, it must be said. I felt less strongly the urge to hurl my body from the roof of the house, or to gouge out my eyes with the chair. However, it is still there, just waiting to pounce on me.
I don't like revision much. It is mean to me.

Oh yeah, those words were spoken by a certain Miss E. Mitchell whilst reading from a recipie book (correct wording: until the milk is smooth and creamy).

Words of Wisdom

At times it is easier to love your enemies than your spouse. Opinions, please.

This may be related to the fact that you are not obliged to share a bed with your enemies.

Music Rant

I wrote a review on Amazon which basically mocked such persons as the Kaiser Chiefs, Franz Ferdinand and co. I've just noticed now that even their names are similar - German/Austrian links, associated with WWI.
Anyway, I don't like these new bands (another thing, FF aside they all begin with K - Kasabian, The Killers, The Kasier Chiefs, Keane). I was listening to a playlist called "Listen To" - stuff I don't normally listen to - and it was basically bands like Joy Division and The Kaiser Chiefs and stuff, and I realised that when people try to do music too simply it can sound *really* bad.
Don't get me wrong, you can do a lot with just guitar and drums. But you need to put an extra effort into every song to keep it alive and interesting.
It also gets me down when musicians don't put effort into every song and you get an album with two or three good songs and eight sh... other ones.
Anyway, that was a bit off-topic.
The other reason I don't like these bands is the vocalists. FF, KC and JD - their singers just get on my nerves. Lose the accents, kids.
Well okay, Curtis whatshisname is dead so that's a bit rude (and also impossible). The other two though...
Gah.
Rant over, I can't think of anything intelligent to say.

God Argument #7

I wrote this on a forum and thought it was so good I'd use it again.
It's not very good, is it?

All religions contradict each other: only one is right. For example, Jesus can't be the son of God and *not* be the son of God. And there can't be only one God *and* hundreds of Gods *and* no God at all, right?Okay, let's assume the Bible is all truth or parable (metaphor). There's more proof that Jesus was alive and "real" than there was for Julius Ceaser, so let's assume Jesus was real. He can be one of three things: either he was a liar, and he made up everything he said and managed to pull off some pretty impressive stunts (in 30AD). Or he was mistaken and really thought he was the son of God but wasn't, in which case he managed to do some amazing stuff and really knew what was going on for a mad guy. Or he was telling the truth. Those are basically the only three options.And if the Bible is all truth (except the metaphor bits) and Jesus was telling the truth... well, what more do you need?But there is something more because when Jesus rose again he left us with his Holy Spirit, a real, living supernatural "force" which is basically another form of God. And he can meet with us and give physical experiences - people talk about "waves of love" and weird things like people falling over... or he can talk to us through pictures and words and sometimes even audibly. And it's all pretty cool. So that's enough proof for me (and there's still more!)
Please excuse any theological, grammatical etc. errors in that argument, tis early in the morn and I really don't have any resources apart from the bible and common sense because I haven't researched any of this stuff and I don't study sciences like you guys. I'm a musician :P

The Show Must Go On

Hmm. I have this urge to start every entry with the word(/noise/whatever) "hmm." I know not why.
Anyways, today I did some revision! Half the time was admittedly spent tapping along to classic rock and, later, Hell is for Heroes. But it's all good. Silver Halides react to make Silver. Aha!
Afterwards I recorded (just for a laugh, y'know) the basic chords to "The Show Must Go On" by Queen and solo'ed over the top for... wait... three minutes and twenty-six seconds, with enough hammer-ons to fill... um... something with a very large capacity. My brain. There you go. Trust me, compared to the solos I used to play - up to thirty minutes long - that is a nice, short little riff or something.
Listening to it, it's really not that good. But it is pretty damn fast, which is what everyone wants to hear, no?
In other news, I checked out the soon-to-be-mine MRS4 and it is nice. And when I say "nice" I mean "freakin' amazing (for its price)!" Basically, I am very excited. Yay.
And now I will leave this keyboard and comfy chair and go and do something important with my life. Like play some more guitar, wander around aimlessly, snack on some food - you know the drill.

Wahoo! More in the bag,

Before I start I just want to re-emphaisise about the thing. It will come. It will not have anything to do with that intro-thing, but it will come. This may take years.
If you don't know what I'm talking about: Be Very Afraid.

Anyway, English now finished! (Until next year). And also - and far more importantly - I'm getting a four-track. Wahoo! Yay! Bleh! Zoom MRS4 (I think :$) and I'm gonna spend the whole summer sitting in my cellar, "laying down tracks," deleting them, laying down some more, getting some dinner and then laying down some more before deleting the whole lot and smashing the four-track.
I CAN'T WAIT.
Four more exams to go first :(
I hate life.

Exams: Down and Out

I have now completed:

French
I.C.T.
Music

Never to take again.
That's all.

Exams and Poems

The exams are pretty heavy, but when finished leave rather a lot of time for writing poetry:

"Please don't shoot me," he cried, running for the hills,
Fear was in his heart, and water in his gills.
"Be not afraid my little one," I called to keep him still,
And shot him in both legs, then moved in for the kill.

On a slightly lighter note, I wrote a short story:

Once upon a time there was a little sausage called Baldrick. He had big ears. One day he decided to sign up and join the army because he needed the money - it was not until it was too late that he realised his life problem.
He was a sausage.
The End

Update

Okay guys, here's the plan:
I will proceed to publish my "story" on here (when I write it - new epsiode is about half way through) but I will also use it as a blog/journal thing. Got it?